what a week.
a week where i feel anxious and nervous and question anything and everything there is to question: my faith, my mothering, my wife-ing, my everything.
seriously, a stupid goldfish died two days ago and it seemed to be the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. i couldn’t even keep a goldfish alive for 5 days. it happened right before i walked out the door to my first spanish class. so there i sat for two hours trying to engage and add more than puerto rican culinary dishes to my vocabulary. and all i kept thinking about was how i fail at things. crazy, right?
with me, this all leads to anxiety. why do we get so anxious at the little things? i was eating lunch yesterday and realized i was speed-eating and anxious for no good reason. i was shaking the malt vinegar on my fries with such passion and fury that i started to laugh at myself. slow down.
but i think that is the problem. day in and day out is fairly slow around here. i have two little ones who thrive on a routine and that makes for fairly repetitive days. but it helps to view them as rhythmic rather than repetitive. even so, in those rhythmic days there is quiet time. quiet time to think and doubt and question myself. and in a week like this past one it was doubting everything from why i don’t have more significant relationships in this town after four years to why i can’t keep a fish from dying.
omar is on an idolatry kick. he’s been doing lots of reading about how central idolatry is to sin. and this afternoon it hit me. i’m making an idol out of what people think/perceive of me. i want to be valued in others lives. and there is nothing wrong/sinful in that, but i realized that i’ve not been as concerned about my relationship with God as i am with my relationships with others.
if i’m honest anxiety creeps in again when i realize there is no quick fix. i know it’s a slow and hopefully steady path towards sanctification. that is ok. i’m learning. learning about what sanctification is, learning about how to build a stronger relationship with Christ. and i have definitely learned that i cannot handle having pets bigger than a goldfish at the moment.